Public Restrooms

I'm pretty sure that every parent eventually earns a few public restroom horror stories throughout their child rearing years. I've only really got the one so far, and fortunately it wasn't that bad; although it did raise some questions.

After dropping mom off at a work the other day, Gia said she needed to go pee. I parked and we went inside to the first floor Men's room. Pretty much every time we go into a large, public bathroom, Gia makes loud chirping sounds the entire time, just to hear her voice echo. She was doing that while she pee'd, then I cleaned her up and pulled her off the toilet so I could use it. I usually end up going to the bathroom, looking over my shoulder the whole time telling her not to open the stall, no, I don't want her to wait outside by herself, and stop touching every thing, it's dirty. Instead, she is standing right behind me, leaning around and singing, "Don't forget to shake Daddy!!" Then I tell her to knock it off and go stand on the other side of the stall. I finish up and she starts singing, "Daaaaa-aaaaad, I saw your elephant trunk!"

I'm so glad that no one else happens to be in the bathroom with us, because this is really getting out of hand. First, I try not to go to the bathroom in front of her, and I sure as hell don't instruct her on the male system of peeing; so I have no idea where she learned about post pee shaking. Second, I certainly don't call any part of my body an "elephant trunk." I have no idea where she learns this stuff. When she goes to Grandma's house, it is all girls. I think I'm going to have to make Gloria cancel her Cinemax.

Also, a few weeks ago I accidentally killed one of our fish. Here is Gia holding it on a plate.

 I also had Gloria measure it.

Gloria had the fish on the plate. I was asleep when the corpse was discovered. So I'm asleep in bed, and Gloria comes into the bedroom and kicks me awake. I tell her, "What the hell? I'm sleeping!" She is standing there with this plate above my head and I'm thinking, "Awesome, breakfast in bed. About time." So I sit up and she shoves this plate full of dead, cold fish in my face. Let's just say that I was a bit disappointed.

What we do at night

So I was messing around with the laptop, and decided to try and make a time lapse video of us relaxing at home after work. I didn't tell Gia or Gloria that's what I was doing. Here we are in all our splendor.
This was taken over 3 hours and 32 minutes. 850 photos, one every 15 seconds.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jY1YdDL-xzs

We miss the Johnsons

So our best friends moved away to Ohio. They were the same age as us with the same aged baby. Gia and Noah were fast friends and we will miss them all very much, and hope to see them soon. Here is a long video of Gia and Noah playing the last time we got together. It's a pretty long video of the same thing, but it was too special to not post.

Fetuses and Ball Licking

I bought a large pumpkin to carve for Gia. While I was waiting for her to come home, I sketched out a cat that I thought I would carve for her. By the time she got home, I had seen another, way more complex design that I decided to try and replicate. Here are the pictures of the pumpkin process.

                                     

                                     

When I was finished taking the pictures of my Devil Fetus pumpkin, I put it outside on the porch so it was stay cold and keep longer. It had been eaten by squirrels by the very next day. Glad I took the pictures of the best pumpkin I'll ever carve.

During the pumpkin carving, Gloria and I were chattering back and forth. At one point I called Gloria a Fag, and without missing a beat, Gia looked at me and said, "What do you mean Daddy?" I didn't realize she was paying attention and was caught so completely by surprise that I was speechless. The only thing I could say was, "I.....am not going to tell you. I'll tell you when you're older." This story is one of those things where it was only funny to those who are there, but I'd like to remember it.

Two days later, Gia and I were home alone and were on our way out the door to pick up Gloria. When we opened the door to go outside, our cat was in a full stretch on the front porch; licking his balls. I "tsk'd" and told Gia to tell the cat to stop licking his balls. Right away she yelled, "Snowball! Stop licking your balls! (Pause) My dad doesn't lick his balls." I almost wished there was someone just getting out of their car in the parking lot to witness that one.

Skate park

So I've been watching these kids and taking them to the skate park after school. I went to my parents house and dug out my little brother's old skate board to use while I'm there. So today, after their mom picked them up, I went back to the skate park by myself and a little kid told me that I looked "exactly like that dude from Law Abiding Citizen." Turns out he was talking about Gerard Butler.

What is the point of this rambling post you might ask? I need to get a damn job already.

On a Gia related note, Gloria watched this vampire movie called Daybreakers the other day. It has some human sized mutant bat things in it. So now when Gia wants to wear a dress 24 hours a day or some other ridiculous baby thing, Gloria tells her that she can't wear her dress or the bats will take her. Some nonsense like that. Well, whenever Gloria mentions the bats, Gia just does what Gloria says and there is no trouble. One day I thought I'd try my hand at using the bats and told Gia that I was going to lock her outside in the dark with the flying bats. She cried really hard and wouldn't talk to me for an hour. I guess I over did it.

Lastly, I cut myself shaving and didn't realize I had a bunch of blood on my neck. Gia asked me, "Dad, did the flying bats do that to you?"

Observations from Gia

Like all babies, Gia is a constant fountain of unique observation. I'll try to update this as I think of more. Here are some examples of Gia's observations on:

A mermaid: "Haha! That girl has clams on her boobies."

Using me bum as a pillow, just after a toot slipped out: "You stink dad. You need to take a shower."

A road kill deer: "That horse has blood in its mouth." (It was quite bloated from being dead for a few days)

Squirrels: "Dad look! There are two squirrels. One on the branch, and one on the ground."
"Oh I see them...shall we shoot them?"
"Yes!"

Any time someone selects Yoshi on Mario Kart: "Look Dad, it's me! Don't play me, that's my guy!"

On the Cichlid eating a grasshopper: "He bit him in half! That's not very nice."

On Pillow Pets: "Dad, I was thinking that I want a Bat Pillow Pet."

Anytime she see's my rifle: "Don't shoot the girl deers dad."

The time I shaved my goatee: "What happened to you face daddy? Did it fall off?"

Charlotte's Web: "Dad, I was watching that pig movie, and there is a spider that catches flies and gets their blood. She loves blood."

Gia tells her first joke.

So I've been watching these two boys that are 7 and 8 years old. The 8 year old told me a knock knock joke yesterday. It went like this:


Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Cry.

Cry who?

Fuck you, CRY!


I explained to him how that isn't even a joke. I'm an experienced joke teller, and that doesn't qualify as a joke.
Next I told him the Rude Interrupting Cow knock knock joke, and I thought he was going to pee his little pants he laughed so hard. It goes like this:

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Rude Interrupting Cow."

"Rude Interrupting-

"MOOOOOO!"


So, Gia was sitting in the car with us and heard some knock knock jokes. Last night as we were all laying down to go to sleep, Gia said, "Hey dad, knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Ducky! Quack Quack!"

We are very proud of Gia and her first joke. We hope she doesn't pick up the other kid's joke and start telling people that one.

Giving Gia a shower

On occasion, I am set with the task of taking a shower, and bringing Gia into the shower as well. I've decided that the best way to accomplish this task is to ignore any protests she might have, get her naked, and put her into the tub while try and adjust the water between burning her and freezing her. After that has been settled, I hop in and tell her that I'm going to wash her first, then when she's done, she can hang out and enjoy the steam; while standing as far away from me as possible. However, as with any plan you try to make with children, there are always issues.

While washing her hair, I have to do all kinds of special maneuvers to keep her eyes closed, and block any water from going over her face. If I don't, then she acts like I'm water boarding her and it really slows down the process. It's nearly impossible to wash anything above her chin, and everything else is like washing a little mannequin. She doesn't actively fight me, but instead just stands there and makes me position her so I can clean her. Zero help at all. It is just a bunch of, "lift up this leg so I can wash this foot. No, the other leg. No, like this." Then I just end up moving her leg into the position I need. Repeat for every one of her 2000 parts.

After about 70 minutes, I finish washing her and I tell her to move to the back of the tub so I can make the water hotter and wash myself. See, by the time I get into the shower, I'm so dirty that I feel bad for the bottom of the tub for having to contact my filth; so you can imagine that I'm not really enthused at her refusal to move to the back of the tub because she wants to sit in the little pool of water directly underneath me. The conversation usually goes like this: "Gia, you need to stand up and go to the back of the tub so I can take my shower."
"But then I don't get the water. I want the water."
"Okay, then I'll spray the water back there. See? Now the water is back there. Gia, stand up. Now move to the back. Further. Further. Gia, get all the way back there, where the water is."
"Dad what's that?"
"It's nothing, don't look at me. Turn around."
"I see your booooooty!"
"Stop looking at me! Turn around!"

Repeat this conversation about every 30 seconds and you have an idea of how the shower goes.
So between her little passive resistance technique while I'm washing her, and her refusal to stand up and move to the back of the tub, today I told her that she is like showering with Rosa Parks.

This is what Gia and I do during the day.

Feeding the fish is fun and it is important that they get a balanced diet. This Jack Dempsey Cichlid is approximately 7 inches long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnjH2JfJxdM

Gia rides a bike

Today is approximately 08/11/2010. I took Gia to a wide highway on-ramp (so she had plenty of room) to try out her new bike. Here is a video of her riding it all by herself for the first time. She was going down a slight down grade, so she didn't have to try too hard to pedal. Enjoy.

"Does she ever talk to you?"

Gia is shy around people that she doesn't see all the time. When we take her to a place with new people, she just sits on my lap and looks at the ground. As a result of this, almost no one in my family and most of my friends have never heard her say anything. Almost everyone thinks that she hasn't learned how to talk yet. The truth is that she is constantly talking. So much so that we have a hard time getting her to actually be quiet.

She is always saying hilarious things to me. Then, when we are hanging out with people and they ask me if she talks, I'm always at a loss for the latest funny thing that she has said or done. She talks so much that it's hard to keep up and they all blur together. I figure if I start documenting them when they happen, I'll remember them better.

Gia is nearly 3 years old (next week actually). Today is August 05, 2010 (probably, I didn't really verify the date). Here are some funny things she's said, just today:

"Dad, when the moon comes out, I'm going to look at it and it will burn my eyes, and then I'll be dead."

"Dad, tigers go "RRRRAAAAARRRRHHHH" and they scratch your face like this!" (claws at my mouth). "Then you'll have blood on your mouth and your nose and then you'll be dead."

Me: "Are you ready (to clean the fish tank) Gia?"
Gia: "Aye Aye Captain!"

While cleaning the tank:

"Crayfish are funny, honey."

Gia: "Dad, Dad! I found a baby rabbit!"
Me: "Oh yeah, where?"
Gia: "He's outside. He's really sad because he can't find his mommy and his daddy." :(